There was a time I had to pick up little pieces of me and build myself back up. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and repeating these words till I felt them in my bones: “It’s fine. You’re not what he’s saying you are. You’re built for something greater than this. You deserve so much better than this. And we’ll get there, together.”

I looked at her swollen, tearful eyes long enough that the mirror faded away. It felt like it was just me and her. 

I fought that battle alone and I’m so grateful to have come out stronger.
Nobody understood me. From being told that ‘You’re overthinking this and it’s all in your head’ to ‘Oh you’re just making excuses because you don’t want to study’, I heard it all.

And to think that for a moment I did actually doubt myself. Who am I kidding… I doubted myself several times. I thought “What if I am really overthinking this? What if he’s really just trying to teach me and wants me to do good? What if he’s just pushing me because he knows I can handle it?” I would have this inner monologue going on 24/7.

I felt like I was trapped in a glass box, just me and the beast. I would shout and pound my fists on those glass walls, to try to get someone to hear or even just take a glance at me. And no one did. It was just me in that box, stuck with that thing.

It’s funny how people around me would notice the things he was saying or doing to me, but no one would say anything. He would tell me I’m not good enough, mock me or pick at me in front of the whole class, and a few of them would laugh. But was it really funny? They saw everything, but chose to stay silent.

Even so, I don’t blame the people around me who failed to understand me. I can imagine it would be difficult to comprehend something, especially when it doesn’t directly concern you.
It’s so easy to say ‘Just get out there and face the bloody fear’.

But it’s a different ball game to be actually doing it when you can hear your heart beating in your ears thump.. thump…
To feel it in your chest beating so fast you’d think your chest might explode.
And then to look down at your hands and legs only to realise they’re shaking like crazy and there’s no way for you to control that.
So yeah it’s hard. I get it. Because I’ve felt that. 

Wanna know what I did? I didn’t listen to any of those people’s advice. And thank god I didn’t… Because I know what God was trying to teach me, and it wasn’t to be strong by putting my head down and saying yes to any sort of treatment. No.

He was trying to teach me to be strong by putting my head up, locking eyes with that beast and saying NO. Not anymore.
He was trying to teach me to see my worth. Am I worth fighting for myself? Am I worthy of respect?
Yes. Hell yes I am.

And I’ve learnt my lesson. Because if the next time something like this happens, at least I’ll know when to walk out the door; before it starts affecting my peace. 

I’ve broken free from that glass cage by obliterating the beast. I am free.